Today’s Big Question: Keebler Elf or Oompa Loompa?
June 8th, 2005
It’s a question bigger than Is the Universe infinite? or Is that your chocolate in my peanut butter?
Sometimes, when all the world’s asleep…the questions run so deep. And last night, the most ultimate and thought-provoking of all questions hit me. Hit me smack dab in the middle of my cerebellum. The biggest question, shaping our futures from here on out is this:
Would you rather be a Keebler Elf or an Oompa Loompa?
The desperation I felt as the question washed over me at 2 am in the morning was met with panic, indifference, excitement, nervousness, ambiguousness, lethargy, hunger, pangs of guilt and memories of the Circus. But when all was said and done, I had my thoughts laid out and my soul was bared to all as the bottom line came shining through the darkness of the night.
Keebler Elf.
Let me put it to you this way. Would you rather spend each and every day dancing around like a clown, singing songs for stuck-up children on a tour of your bosses’ chocolate facility, constantly bending at the knees (ouch, arthritis!), constantly having to wear weird flourescently-decorated striped M.C. Hammer stretch pants, and singing in rhyme… OR… Would you rather work in a nice little forest, in a great house built into a tree (phat, baby!), and come up with great new and exciting ideas for cookies, crackers and other sweet treats which you, yourself, will always get credit for?
It breaks down this way. Would you rather be a slave or an entrepreneur?
Because honestly, that’s how it all breaks down when you look at the life of a Keebler Elf. These guys have it made. They get to be creative. They get the credit for their awesome new sweet treats. They get on-camera time, they’re in commercials, and they have tons of fun goofing off and practicing well orchestrated prat falls with each other. But the Oompa Loompas? Man, they’re creepy and they’re always on call like residents in an ER. They’ve got like twelve costume changes a day, they’re always having to clean up after bitchy little children and all they’re around all day is chocolate.
Don’t get me wrong. I like chocolate. But all day long? Each and every day? At least the Keebler elves get to deal in crackers, cookies, cremes and coconut. The four c’s of career superiority.
So, yeah. Keebler Elf it is.
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Next Week’s Big Question: Carrot or Styrofoam Packing Peanut?
I’m with you on this one. Oompa Loompas kinda weird me out. Then again, chocolate…
p.s. I keep getting an error when I try to post a comment:
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Comment by Hilary — June 8, 2005 @ 8:36 am
I am shocked. Shocked and chagrined! How could you even lose a minute’s sleep over this question? It is so obvious! No contest whatsoever. The one thing OL’s might have going for them is the chocolate, but hello?! The Keebler Elves make chocolate cookies too. Come on people. Why would ANYONE want to be an oompa loompa. Even the name sounds dumb!
Comment by Fun Joel — June 8, 2005 @ 9:23 am
But, what if you want to oompa someone’s loompa? Then what’s better to be? Hmmmmm
Comment by monkeyinabox — June 8, 2005 @ 2:13 pm
Definitely would want to be a Keebler Elf. I’m not sure what the new and improved Oompa Loompas look like, but the old school version are the stuff nightmares are made of. Well, at least my nightmares that is.
Comment by groovebunny — June 8, 2005 @ 3:33 pm
I think, overall, those damn oompa loompas are freakish.
Comment by Pauly D — June 8, 2005 @ 9:57 pm
I’d be an Oompa Loompas because you get to live in a candy forest with a big giant chocolate river, and you can pick a tree that you can live in and eat if you get hungry. Plus, you get a nice tan, because Oompa Loompas are orange, and they come from tropical climates so it’s nice and warm…. obviously.
Plus, you get to be around Johnny Depp, who’s hott, or at least everyone else thinks he is. I think he’s way too damned pale, personally. Needs to move to a tropical climate and live where those OLs come from… then he’d be hott.
Comment by Jessyka — September 27, 2005 @ 7:51 pm
i wouldn’t want to be either. If you are Keebler elf some little shit is going to catch the forest on fire and you will be F***ed ^! And if you are a oompa Loompa you are just like a damn slave! You were kidnapped, and bound to get raped every night by the sicko that took the stupid orange migets~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comment by BERT — June 22, 2006 @ 1:50 pm
umm i would rather be an oompa loompa, because…DUH the keebler elves have all this crap that they are always doing..and face it there lives are so boring!! the oompa loompas get a diffrent “job” everyday! i would prefere a oompa loompa!
Comment by Julia — October 6, 2006 @ 4:58 pm